Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
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Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
*cough*
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow