*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!