Great Canadian literature.
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Bloody internet 😳
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.