her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
When they try to steal your moment.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?