I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
buys donuts instead
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
welp
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔