If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Midwest trash talk
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
how long have you had this for?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes