Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
In case you needed to hear it:
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work