[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask