Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
You Might Also Like
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Solving a traffic jam
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!