the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Come back with a warrant
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
dam girl
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.