Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy