[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
i will not be silenced
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention