All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Planet of the Apps.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
seems like a niche market
*seductively corrects your posture*
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works