If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Möther may I have a snäck
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.