If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
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coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I hope this email finds you in a well
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about