The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts