My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
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