Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Not messing around
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl