if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
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You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
it must be school picture day
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!