We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
just having fun
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.