I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I am having an out of money experience.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.