I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
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okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
President The Rock Obama
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to