Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
You Might Also Like
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make