According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?