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Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I need better friends
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.