jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
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Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”