“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I want this so bad
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?