I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know