[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess