There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
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“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
how to have an accident 101
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.