JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
You Might Also Like
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run