Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.