My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
You Might Also Like
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Is this you?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Am I having a stroke?
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Whoa 😂
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it