Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
cats when you pet them too long:
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.