Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
You Might Also Like
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.