People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013