UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday