(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Just as the prophecy foretold
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.