Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
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*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much