If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
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Hank is one in a melon.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
work smarter, not harder
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao