High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.