National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Merry Christmas
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.