a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
this is the best interaction on twitter
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.