Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
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One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Why is this me 😫
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..