Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
You Might Also Like
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
new career option?
decorating my apartment
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.