Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin