Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.