Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
They’re stuck in your pants?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐