I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.