Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
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so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.